Quotations
Funny

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
- Ronald Reagan

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
- Ambrose Bierce

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
- Mark Twain

I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.
- Alfred North Whitehead

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
- Mark Twain

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
- Nikola Tesla

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
- Mark Twain

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